Decompressing

I have been finding it difficult lately to decompress when I come home from work. The environment I work  in feels like one constant stress ball to me lately. Maybe it is because I am trying to figure out which direction I want to take my career in and the thought of ever having to leave "my babies" is a really hard to even think about let alone actually doing it. I adore my babies I take care and I adore most families I am involved with. They say the longer you work as a nurse the more jaded you become and the longer you are a nurse the less that  certain situations bother you. Honestly, I feel the exact opposite. I feel the longer I have worked in the NICU the more sensitive I am becoming, the harder it is for me to deal with sad or unfortunate situations. I think in part it has to do with the fact that you are so busy during your shift, especially if your kid is sick that you don't have time to experience the emotions that come along with taking care of sick, innocent, vulnerable babies. There is no time to feel those feelings, let alone process them and that is what has been hard to do when I get home. I can't cry at work, I cant show my fears, my stressors, show my vulnerability and let people know that I feel so helpless for these kids sometimes. I was talking with a trusted friend today about this "decompressing" and she reminded me that it is okay that I feel this sadness and pain for these babies, that this makes me human. That most people who would see the kind of suffering these babies go through would feel something as well. It does not make me weak, or a bad nurse or an emotional wreck, or someone who can't leave their work at their job...it makes me human. Sometimes it is hard to accept this emotional side of myself...to let myself feel and process and not judge myself. It is ok to cry after a long days work, when I have felt helpless most of the day. It is ok to think about, pray for, and talk about and to  "my babies".  I love my babies, I love families that let me apart of their babies lives, I love being able to provide some comfort to a suffering baby and I am learning to love that I feel so much. So I am working  on allowing myself to feel the pain, grieve for these babies and then find every possible way to ease their suffering.  How blessed that God has chosen me for this profession, I only pray that He continues to guide me and give me the wisdom and compassion to care for them, as He would.