Weekend Recap and Some Random Thoughts

I had a great time in New Jersey with sister Mar Beth and brother in law Brian. Despite some minor flying issues, I managed to get there only a few hours late it was a relaxing weekend and just what I needed. I got some QT with my sister, we talked a lot about baby, did some baby shopping and registering. She caught me up to date with the latest in their life and it was nice to see her little life she has created with Brian. I also got to see my uncle, cousin and 95 year old grandma. My sweet old grandma was cracking me up, she had her hair done, her lipstick on and was ready for some company. She recently got a motorized wheelchair, but is refusing to use it. Brian and I had no problem testing it out, after running into numerous things in her house and crying because I was laughing so hard, Granny was getting mad so we had to put it away. We had a nice lunch and then story time began. Granny told me every story she could think of...I just held her hand and listened. She is the sweetest old lady and is just lonely. Makes me miss her bunches, but I know she is in good hands with her Polish caretaker and family around her. I couldn't help but think of my child sitting there with my mother in 20 years...it will go fast.  I had a great time with Mary Beth, I miss her and can't wait to see her in July.

Now I am home, Mark is gone on business for a little bit and I have a few days off. I have a made a to do list a mile long, but yet I sit here blogging. None of the stuff is urgent, except my research homework, but I did most of it yesterday. I looked at my calendar and I only have like 5 free 2 day weekends left until the baby comes. Not very much time, for the amount of things I have to be doing. We are planning on looking at cribs next week...most people probably are cringing that I haven't ordered my crib yet, but Im not worried about it. It will all get done, as long as I don't go on bedrest I'll be good. I have not had the desire to get started on the room yet or anything else, because in my head, my baby is not even viable yet. I mean, if I had the baby today, it would not survive and coming home to a nursery would be miserable. I know that is grim and dim but it is the truth. Oh the joys of working in the NICU. When it comes down to it, I am scared...scared something will happen to this baby, something I can't control. If this was my first pregnancy I wonder if I would feel this way?! I wish I could be naive and not know what it feels like, but I am not. I am scared...I want this baby...I want it be healthy...I want a chubby little monster to take home....but I am not guaranteed that yet...I know there are still risks after the 24 week mark, the only way I will be able to relax is when that baby is in my arms. So does it really matter if my nursery is perfect and complete? Not in my mind it doesn't. I am enjoying this pregnancy, I am enjoying being pregnant, but it is a cautious feeling that only people that have had miscarriages can understand. I am bonding with this baby in my own way, but it has nothing to do with buying things for the baby...that is the least important thing for me right now.  So hang in there with me friends, Im sorry if I'm stressing you out, or seem heartless, or whatever your thoughts of me are. Mark and I will figure this out...We have it under control. We are creating our family and I love how we are doing it. Alright off to check some things off my list...