Chugging Along...

We survied out first day with Leah at the new babysitter's. We sent her to our "backup" and she did great, slept, ate, played etc. I on the other hand had this pit in my stomach the entire day and looked like a fool crying at work...BUT we survived...and I don't have to do it again for another week.

In other news, the semester is coming to end...It is funny how at the beginning of the semester I am scared and not confident in myself and by the end of the semester  I'm like " I rocked this out" I feel that way about my pathophysiology class. My final research class has not allowed me to say that yet...We have been working on a paper all semester and our professor just made a few HUGE changes yesterday...Did i mention the paper is due next week. So we are basically back to the drawing board and scrambling to get things done. The worse part is, is that I feel like if we went and met with her again today she would change her mind about what she wanted us to do again... make up your mind lady! (Insert frustration scream here) I know it will end up just fine, but this next week will be busy. But I always say I like busy right?!?!

Then I get one week off and start right into summer classes, which are already making me nervous...

My weight loss goals have kind of stalled/changed...I lost 5lbs...but my milk supply completely plummeted so I had to go back to increasing my food intake...I have talked to some fellow breastfeeders and they told me similar issues happened to them and I need to accept baggy pants for as long as I nurse....OH joy! So I am just upping the exercise and trying to be realistic about the number on the scale even though it remains extremely frustrating that my clothes do not fit/look "good". Another sacrifice of breastfeeding I guess...Just have to stay positive and keep at it slowly.

Mark is off to a Bachelor party this weekend...I wish I was ready to leave Leah overnight....in time...in time...

Babysitter update

    Well I think we have found someone to watch Leah. I met Sam and instantly had a great feeling about her. She is 25, nursing student former elementary ed major who works as a student nurse. She has her own house, pays her own bills, free spirited, responsible and flexible. We clicked. I'm thinking it is going to work and I'm excited about that. Everyone was right, gotta have that "gut" feeling. She will not start until May and she will be coming to the house 2 times a week. I still have a few more calls in just to keep my options open. Mark is meeting her this week. Thanks for all your thoughts, tips and prayers. Glad I will be checking this off my list and we can get in to some sort of routine around here.  Two more weeks of classes and then onto summer classes...rolling right along. Next year at this time, I will be graduating! What What!

Babysitter...

So Leah's babysitter, our good family friend is relocating due to her hubby getting a new job. We are very excited for our friends but selfishly I don't want them to leave. I knew it wasn't a permanent solution when she was born, but this new development has made me want to quit my job, school and hibernate at home with my baby. BUT that is not an option for many reasons, mainly the fact that I LOVE being in school. I love the opportunity it will present me...so I am chugging along. Interviewing babysitters is not fun, it makes me feel old and way overprotective. I know people do it all the time, but I'm just supposed to leave MY CHILD with a stranger and hope for the best? My sister in law Heather said it best " I guess you just have to trust your judgement" I met one great lady who I am considering, but I wanted her baseboards to be cleaner (high expectations for someone when mine arrant even clean) and I am meeting with another girl tomorrow, she sounded fabulous on the phone and willing to be very flexible with us, as she is nursing student. I have a list of great questions, calling their references, meeting them face to face...what else can I do, but pray we will find someone we trust. I knew it would happen eventually, but it is harder then I thought, just like everything else that comes along with motherhood. Any one else been through this? Any tips, suggestions, thoughts? Wish us luck!

Does this exist?

Easter

I had a great Easter in Columbus with my parents and sister. Mark had to stay behind because he was on call. It was a much needed dose of home. Besides the fact that Leah barely slept it was a good visit. We had a mini photo shoot and here a couple pictures..My girl is so big I can't even stand it! We borrowed our Easter dress from Lilly and Diana...Love having girl cousins!!!



This new life of ours....

So I am sitting here early in the morning in the silence of my house, I was supposed to work today and they cancelled me at 6:30 after I was ready and had Leah's things ready to go for the sitter. I am angry I got cancelled (mainly because I thawed BM out and now I will have to give Leah a bottle and pump all day as to not waste my milk)..I haven't work in over 2 weeks...whoops!  It stirs up a few anxieties inside of me. I am fortunate enough that my income is supplemental, but we still like having it as "fun" money. I guess we wont be doing anything "fun" this month :) In actuality it will be just fine, but when I get cancelled the ugly voices inside make me feel guilty for not contributing more to our families finances. I know I do work at home with house managing and caring for Leah, but in my "perfect" world it is not enough...I should be able to do it all...(did you catch the should in there?) Unrealistic in so many ways, but oh the ugly thougts can be so strong sometimes. I was nursing Leah this morning before I got cancelled and was thinking " I don't want to leave you, I'm going to miss you, I should never have to be away from you" and those easily shifted after I got cancelled to " you don't help the family enough, I could have used a little adult time, Marks not going to be happy" Crazy what can happen in a 30 minute span of thoughts :) Yes, I'm still having some trouble leaving Leah, plain and simple I just don't like to do it...like..at all, but work forces me to do that which I think is a good thing, but the less I work, the stronger the anxieties hit when it is time to leave so I just choose not to do it. Plus, I love being with her, she is fun and giggly and cuddly and makes me happy. So out of all this rambling, my conclusion is that finding balance has been tough since Leah was born. Between Marks crazy work schedule, my schedule that is not guaranteed, and a mom who doesn't want to leave her baby, it has been tough. I know I will never get this time back with Leah so that offers me peace. I know come September when I start clinicals, I will be pretty much be out of the home full time or longer, so maybe this is the gift from Mark and to myself (even though it is slightly concealed). If there is one thing I have learned along the way it is that it is all in how you choose to look at things, positive vs negative. This is just a blurb in our life and not working for a few weeks will not be the end all be all. We could have it a lot worse, but instead we have our own pretty good corner of life :) Off to make the best of my day...

Check and Check...

Well, Leah hit 6 months this past week...I'm already thinking she might as well pack for college because I can't stand her getting any bigger. This also means we have reached our first goal of breastfeeding for 6 months. I feel very proud, because it has not been easy. I guess in the grand scream of things it has been fairly easy when I hear other peoples nightmare stories, BUT breastfeeding is a lot of work. I have learned a lot bout the process and in turn a lot about myself. First, I am grateful I do not have to work full time, I don't know if it would have been possible to keep up with my monster eater of  child. I am not pumping what she takes, but have plenty of time in between shifts to build up what she needs. It is a lot of work to keep the milk making going, between pumping, storing, freezing, thawing, organizing and what not...If I had to do I every day I would be going insane.  I know I will never get this time back again with Leah and I realize how lucky I am that I have the opportunity to be with her most days. I am soaking it all in. Second, I would not have made it without the support of my breastfeeding group gals...We meet every Friday and some may refer to it as the breastfeeding "cult" but no one from the outside understands. These ladies have the same passion and thoughts about the importance of breastfeeding. I feel so refreshed and renewed after Friday's group. I'm so thankful for these new friends I have made. Not to mention their cute baby's :)
Lastly, I joke about how I have become obsessed with breastfeeding and yes probably some of that is true, but it has been he most rewarding thing I have ever done. It feels good to be passionate about something because we all know I need outlets for my passions :) It feels good that I haven't given up when I have hit a few roadblocks. It feels good that I have given Leah such good heath benefits as well as a way to calm her and make her feel safe. Is she a mommas girl? You better believe it, but I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with that right now...that is how it is supposed to be. A baby with their mother...it won't be like this forever, just now. And it is worth every sacrifice, every time I decide to not be away from her, every time I pump, and every time I don't get to do what I want...I'm reminded of my happy healthy baby and I feel content.

Ok stepping off soapbox... :)

PS. I know it is not like this for every woman, just my personal story and beliefs...Im also a big believer you gotta do what you gotta do for your family :)

A few favorites...

My top 5 favorite things from last week...

1. Avocado & Black Bean Salad

2. Chalkboard Herb Planters

3. Ohio State in the Final Four

4. We had the outside of our house touched up..We had the wood repainted, doors repainted and a few blemishes fixed...the house looks so much better, probably not noticeable to the passer by, BUT very noticeable to Mark and I and just overall much better looking. Also our storm doors will be ready for pickup this week yea:)

5. Last but not least...a perfect health report card from the pediatrician...Check out that bod!! Some very squeezable rolls!