Monday, April 2, 2012

This new life of ours....

So I am sitting here early in the morning in the silence of my house, I was supposed to work today and they cancelled me at 6:30 after I was ready and had Leah's things ready to go for the sitter. I am angry I got cancelled (mainly because I thawed BM out and now I will have to give Leah a bottle and pump all day as to not waste my milk)..I haven't work in over 2 weeks...whoops!  It stirs up a few anxieties inside of me. I am fortunate enough that my income is supplemental, but we still like having it as "fun" money. I guess we wont be doing anything "fun" this month :) In actuality it will be just fine, but when I get cancelled the ugly voices inside make me feel guilty for not contributing more to our families finances. I know I do work at home with house managing and caring for Leah, but in my "perfect" world it is not enough...I should be able to do it all...(did you catch the should in there?) Unrealistic in so many ways, but oh the ugly thougts can be so strong sometimes. I was nursing Leah this morning before I got cancelled and was thinking " I don't want to leave you, I'm going to miss you, I should never have to be away from you" and those easily shifted after I got cancelled to " you don't help the family enough, I could have used a little adult time, Marks not going to be happy" Crazy what can happen in a 30 minute span of thoughts :) Yes, I'm still having some trouble leaving Leah, plain and simple I just don't like to do all, but work forces me to do that which I think is a good thing, but the less I work, the stronger the anxieties hit when it is time to leave so I just choose not to do it. Plus, I love being with her, she is fun and giggly and cuddly and makes me happy. So out of all this rambling, my conclusion is that finding balance has been tough since Leah was born. Between Marks crazy work schedule, my schedule that is not guaranteed, and a mom who doesn't want to leave her baby, it has been tough. I know I will never get this time back with Leah so that offers me peace. I know come September when I start clinicals, I will be pretty much be out of the home full time or longer, so maybe this is the gift from Mark and to myself (even though it is slightly concealed). If there is one thing I have learned along the way it is that it is all in how you choose to look at things, positive vs negative. This is just a blurb in our life and not working for a few weeks will not be the end all be all. We could have it a lot worse, but instead we have our own pretty good corner of life :) Off to make the best of my day...


  1. I think she looks just like you in this picture!!

  2. I feel the exact same way about contributing (or lack there of) to our family's finances. I do feel guilty most days and would be more than willing to take on several jobs to provide for our baby, but in the end I know I also won't get this time back and so I'm enjoying it while it lasts. They grow up WAY WAY too fast!! :)