Each Day's Surprise

" Each day holds a surprise. But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel when it comes to us. Let's not be afraid to receive each day's surprise, whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy. It will open a new place in our hearts, a place where we can welcome new friends and celebrate

 more fully our shared humanity."

~ Henri Nouwen~

It's about a week from Christmas and I barely have anything checked off my "Christmas to do list" I have a whole list of "get myself in the Christmas spirit" ideas and haven't done any of them. But oddly enough I feel more in the Christmas spirit then ever- the true Christmas spirit. I'm letting go of the "ideal" Christmas I wanted to create this year because honestly life is just too dang challenging right now. My thoughts and attention need to be on more important things then the 500 pinterest crafts I wanted to attempt. Life has presented Mark and I with some difficult roadblocks in the past weeks or months. Adjusting to our "new life" has left me feeling stumbling through many days the past few weeks. I started back at work last week and to be honest I am miserable about it. We have a lot kinks to work out if this is going to work. Mark's job is INSANE...when I say insane I mean getting called at 2:30 in the morning for surgery cases, not getting home until 3:30 am last night after leaving the house at 7 am, and up and out the door before Leah is even awake. His job is hard for all of us, I can't imagine how draining it is on him, plus dealing with my strong emotions the past 2 weeks. It is not the 9-5 everyday job and that presents it's own challenges with me being back at work and working a "part time" schedule like we agreed before Leah was born. I am struggling with the new addition to my identity as Leah's mom-because I feel like I want that to be my only identity- whether that is wrong or right I don't know.  Finding a balance is hard when you are not sure what you are balancing...SOO this is turning into a depressing post,  I don't mean it too, just putting my thoughts down. What I do know is that I am excited for the upcoming days with family. I am praying for guidance and peace for my family... I feel joy to think about spending time with Leah on her first Christmas, seeing my nieces and nephews who bring me so much joy and reconnecting with Mark. Like the quote says, finding and accepting the surprises of everyday life, being thankful for the "good" problems we have and remembering so many people have it way worse then I can even imagine. Ok time to at least go decorate the tree!

PS. And to cheer your up after this serious post check out this POST in regards to my sister-in-laws blog about her weeks top 10 with my twin nieces...if that doesn't make you crack up there is something wrong with you! 

Leah - 3 Months

Age: Three Months
Weight: 11lbs 10oz
Length: ?
Size: Still in 0-3 months and 3 months
Teeth: N/A
Hair: Still has lots...I swear the color changes daily- blond, brown, slightly red WHO KNOWS!
Sleeping: For the most part we are doing well. Has kind of put herself into a routine. Is really ready for bed now around 7:30 and has been sleeping until 3:30-5:00 depending on the night. Gets up to nurse and goes right back to sleep.
Eating: Still nursing well...she is a little oinker. Eats every 2-3 hours as well.
Movement: She is an active little thing! Always sucking on her hands. Always moving arms and legs, doesn't like to be sitting still. Her head is getting very strong. Loves being on her belly.
Milestones: Talking up a storm...ROLLS OVER FROM BELLY TO BACK!! Mommy's first day back to work...all day with Daddy
Favorite Toys: Likes this bear play mat we were given. It is super soft, she loves laying on it and looking at the ceiling fan. Have a play mat with animals will try and reach for and then kick legs. Likes looking at books. Allowing us to sit her in bouncy seat every once in awhile!
Dislikes: Anything involved with her car seat, swing, not being held...this has not changed. She is MISERABLE in the car.
Words/sounds: Lots of coos and talking. Carries on a "conversation" with you!

Survived...

I survived my first 12 hour shift back at work yesterday....I am re-reading that sentence over and over again because I am so proud of myself. It may sound corny, but it was one of if not the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Leaving your baby for 12 hours is not easy...leaving your NURSING baby for 12 hours is even harder. I will admit, the anticipation was actually worse then the working. The hardest part was  getting myself out the door...I sat on the edge of my bed and cried completely doubting my ability to be gone from Leah. As I clocked in, I almost just turned back around and left. I saw one of my friends first thing, she hugged me, I cried. All the wonderful RN's I work with came up and hugged me, welcomed me back and almost all of them have been in my shoes at some point. It felt good to be understood, to not feel completely stupid for crying. The only reason I made it through were these wonderful ladies...I feel a renewed appreciation for this fabulous group of women. The only other reason I made it was because Leah was with her Daddy, and her Daddy did an AMAZING job. We were all nervous, me having done a majority of the caring for Leah the past 12 weeks. BUT Mark did it...and he did it well. I walked in the door to a peaceful baby, just getting out of the bath, ready for her mom to nurse her to sleep...I picked her up and sobbed some more (can I still blame it on the hormones?!) I held her extra tight last night, wanted her to wake up in the middle of the night so I could be with her (last time I wish for that) and felt so thankful for her. I have already taken for granted my healthy baby...but a very quick reminder yesterday of the blessing of a healthy baby. Thank you God for all of your blessings and thank you for giving me people to help me have the strength to get through the day. It feels good to have it under my belt...time to adjust to the next phase of our lives...

Exhausted...

It has been a long couple of days...Mark's grandpa passed away this past Sunday so we have been "busy" with family time, viewing and the funeral today. Emotions are a good thing, but can be exhausting. Seeing grown men cry is not my kind of party and gets me every time. Mark's grandpa was a wonderful man, he was ornery, funny, and always had a smile on his face. I only knew him a few years, but knew how much he loved watching Mark play football, knew how much he loved his wife and knew how much he loved Mark's Dad, Larry. The most moving part of the funeral was the 21 gun salute done to honor Grandpa Joe as a WWII veteran. They folded up the American flag and got down on one knee before Grandma Wilma and sincerely thanking her for Joe's service...it was humbling, moving, emotional. His death comes at a time where it is easy to get caught up in life passing by in the Holiday season, today was a reminder to slow down, take in life's daily moments, and make time for family and friends. I have been feeling overwhelmed with school, going back to work, caring for Leah that I have been retreating in my mind, secluding myself which I am very good at. I'm reminded to stop feeling sorry for myself, take some deep breaths and try to enjoy every minute of this life...

Fun Stuff...

Here are a few things I have stumbled upon this past week while I have been putting off writing my paper.

These cool December Desktop Backgrounds
Here is the one I chose...

A free canvas

Have you heard of Birchbox ?
Once a month you get 4 or 5 high end samples delievered to your door for $10...nice!

I really want one of these...her website has so many cute things!

And this sweet face...

Weekend Plans

I was supposed to be a my dear cousin Amanda's wedding this weekend...Leah has had other plans. Her continued expression of hatred for her carseat and anything to do with travel has forced me to give up my physical capability of being present at the wedding...I'm sad...really sad...so in my feel sorry for myself attitude this weekend I still need to get some things done.

Friday
Work on paper
Continue Christmas Decorating
Put away laundry

Saturday
Get Christmas Tree
Purdue Christmas Show
Work on paper (long shot)

Sunday
Church/Baptism prep class
tidy house
organize multiple things (post to follow)
Finish paper

I think I can...I think I can...

Feeling like the little engine that could right now as I am trying to wrap up the final weeks of my master's class. It has not really been too demanding, but I am ready for Christmas break :) Our final paper is due next Tuesday, it supposed to be between 15-20 pages, I currently have 6. I have a lot of information to sort through still and get my thoughts collected. I have a plan, I am just moving through it SLOWLY!  I write a paragraph, go back and re-read and realize I have no idea what I am trying to say. Thank goodness for a thesaurus that helps me sound semi-smart. All I really want to do is cozy up with Leah, and finish decorating and shopping for Christmas. So back to work...I think I can....I think I can...I really need to be saying...get your s*%t together and GET IT DONE! :)

All the Grandkids...

This past weekend all 6 grandkids had the pleasure of being together...let me tell you it was fun, chaotic, stressful, busy, and hilarious all rolled into one. 6 kids under 4 can be nothing but fun! We were in Cleveland for a wedding, which also meant we were able to go visit my Grandma (Grammy) and bring all 6 of her great-grandchildren. My grandma, Philly has Alzheimer's and is very limited in her abilities. It is truly one of the saddest things I have ever seen. Not sure if she knew we were there this time but we surrounded her with love and I choose to think she felt that. This is Alex, Evan, Drew, Lilly, Diana and Leah. Plus my brother Tim, wife Shonda, Matt, wife Lauren. Enjoy the cuteness!