Why My Job Really Sucks Sometimes...

Everyone knows I work in the Newborn ICU, but a lot of people do not realize how the job can be sometimes. A lot of people think we hold and feed babies all day. Yes, there are some days you hold babies and feed babies most of the day, but no one realizes sometimes feeding babies is like feeding a rock..our tiny babies do not like to eat at first and it can be frustrating. Some days or weeks go by and I do not even hold one baby because they are too sick to hold. Yes, I have gone a couple weeks without holding a baby at my job and when I finally do I realize how wonderful it really is and how hard it is to take care of sick kids.

This has been on my mind a lot lately as currently our unit is busy and has a lot of sad things happen. It might also have to do with that fact that if I wouldn't have miscarried back in November, our first baby would be here or the fact that our second baby will be here in a few short weeks and I might be slightly panicking inside. People think that since I take care of babies all day  I will know exactly what to do, and yes I know how to change a diaper, hold a baby, clothe a baby etc...but I have no idea HOW to be a mom, I have no idea how I will be with MY OWN child, and that scares me. I have visions of what I will be like, but they could totally change and they could be unrealistic or it could happen as I have imagined...fear of the unknown is not one of my strong points. I am already thinking about how it will be when I am pregnant for the 3rd time...how will it be different, will I miscarry again? My biggest fear is to have to go through that again. A friend recently miscarried and as I was listening to her story it stirred up so many emotions. I listened to the pain in her voice and saw the tears as she just said " I wanted THAT baby, I'm sure I can get pregnant again, but I wanted THAT one, why couldn't I have THAT one?" It made me cringe and want to vomit, remembering those feelings. I felt so much empathy for her, but did a terrible job of conveying it. I came home thinking of my own loss and how I felt the exact same way.

Following all of that, I had probably one of the worst days of my life at work. A micro preemie, who had been in our nursery forever was doing very well, taking bottles, getting ready to move into an open crib and on his way out the door. Baby's mom came in for the 2:30 feeding and left...the RN taking care of that baby hooked up the baby's feed at 5:30, at 6:00pm the baby dropped his heart rate and we never got it back...We performed CPR on that baby for almost 45 minutes, we never got it back and the baby died...before the parents could get there. Not only was it s stressful code trying everything we could for this baby, the baby died in the nurses arms, and the parents had to walk in and see their baby had not made it. We do not know why this baby died and I'm not sure we ever will, but  to hear the parents grief was more then I could handle as I rubbed my own baby belly...I just could never imagine that situation and here I am living it with another family...it was cruel...Selfishly I thought about our baby and what Mark and I would do and I wanted to curl up and shut my mind off.  But you have to keep going on at your job, the worst part is walking out of the hospital to go and see that the world just goes on no matter what...something I will never understand. Seeing stuff like this at work makes my job suck a lot sometimes. It makes it hard to go back. The only comfort is the support of the other nurses and having faith there is a reason for all of this, but it is hard. I am ready to go back and snuggle with a tiny 5 pounder and I think I am ready to snuggle my own sure to be ginormous baby. Thanks for letting me vent!

Decompressing

I have been finding it difficult lately to decompress when I come home from work. The environment I work  in feels like one constant stress ball to me lately. Maybe it is because I am trying to figure out which direction I want to take my career in and the thought of ever having to leave "my babies" is a really hard to even think about let alone actually doing it. I adore my babies I take care and I adore most families I am involved with. They say the longer you work as a nurse the more jaded you become and the longer you are a nurse the less that  certain situations bother you. Honestly, I feel the exact opposite. I feel the longer I have worked in the NICU the more sensitive I am becoming, the harder it is for me to deal with sad or unfortunate situations. I think in part it has to do with the fact that you are so busy during your shift, especially if your kid is sick that you don't have time to experience the emotions that come along with taking care of sick, innocent, vulnerable babies. There is no time to feel those feelings, let alone process them and that is what has been hard to do when I get home. I can't cry at work, I cant show my fears, my stressors, show my vulnerability and let people know that I feel so helpless for these kids sometimes. I was talking with a trusted friend today about this "decompressing" and she reminded me that it is okay that I feel this sadness and pain for these babies, that this makes me human. That most people who would see the kind of suffering these babies go through would feel something as well. It does not make me weak, or a bad nurse or an emotional wreck, or someone who can't leave their work at their job...it makes me human. Sometimes it is hard to accept this emotional side of myself...to let myself feel and process and not judge myself. It is ok to cry after a long days work, when I have felt helpless most of the day. It is ok to think about, pray for, and talk about and to  "my babies".  I love my babies, I love families that let me apart of their babies lives, I love being able to provide some comfort to a suffering baby and I am learning to love that I feel so much. So I am working  on allowing myself to feel the pain, grieve for these babies and then find every possible way to ease their suffering.  How blessed that God has chosen me for this profession, I only pray that He continues to guide me and give me the wisdom and compassion to care for them, as He would.

March of Dimes

I walked in the March of Dimes Walk for Indianapolis this morning. It is an organization that promotes healthy pregnancy and babies...Our NICU has a team every year. I really enjoy this walk. not only are we supporting the babies we take care of every day, we also get to see some NICU graduates. It is a positive, uplifting day! I didn't take any pictures, it was wet and rainy!

Here is the LINK to the Indiana website.